★ Re|Engage – Understand ★

Continuing in the Principle of Adore and Respect, Lesson 12 delves into the topic of Understanding. The main idea is:

“God calls you to live with your spouse in “an understanding way.” This means you will need to become a student of your spouse so that you can best love and celebrate them. Your relationship with your spouse is also tied to your relationship with God.”

“Your relationship with your spouse is also tied to your relationship with God.”  This one statement is the lynch to this whole lesson.  If we get this, it will change how we will move forward.

“We need to be servants to one another by studying our spouse and not just be looking out for #1 which is our natural bent.  If you want a better marriage then we need to always be looking out for ways to love and respect our spouse.”  

I once heard this definition which I think defines it perfectly…

“Understanding is a three-edged sword.  Your side, my side, and the truth.”  J. Michael Straczynski

The key to understanding people and especially your spouse in every situation is seeing all three sides…Understanding happens at the confluence of all three.  Persevere to understand the one God has blessed you with!!

I love how this lesson started out,

“God made you different, and your differences actually help you to be stronger as a couple then you are alone. By understanding some of these differences, you’ll be better able to serve and celebrate your spouse and help them become the person God has uniquely created them to be.”

Psalms 139:13-14 talks about being “fearfully and wonderfully made,” and that is the truth for sure but you know what else is the truth?  Your spouse is fearfully and wonderfully made too!  AND they were made in God’s image (see Genesis 1:27).  When we tear down our spouse, we are tearing down God’s masterpiece!  That is why we need to understand the person God has blessed us with and focus on that as a team, together you are better!

I love how the book posed this challenge to us…

“The challenge all couples face in marriage is to view these differences in a way that will actually bring you together and strengthen your marriage, rather than pushing your apart or driving a wedge between you.”

It is important to remember that we will experience spiritual warfare; Satan will exploit those differences to try at increase that “wedge between you.”

“Your differences are from God and are intended to create a stronger combined entity (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).  You are made in the image and likeness of God (Genesis 1:27-28), and you are to celebrate the unique ways God has created each of you.”

1 Peter 3:7 (ESV) says,

“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”

Live with your spouse in an understanding way.  What does that mean to you?

The book made 2 points about this verse that I want to share.  First that “weaker vessel” means “physically weaker, not of less value.”

They made a great comparison between a crystal glass and Thermos both having value but for different purposes…

“A crystal glass is weaker than a Thermos, but the Thermos does not possess more values than the glass.  In the same way, while a woman may be physically weaker, she is not in any way less valuable than her husband.”

In the last post, ★ Re|Engage – Expectations ★ I shared about my wife’s uncle who married us that he gave me some great advice when he performed the marriage counseling.  The parallel between the wine glass and Thermos reminds me of another piece of advice that he gave me to be a “bull in a china shop.”  Men need to understand their wives are delicate and precious just how a wine glass is.

The second point from 1 Peter 3:7 that the lesson made was that “a clear connection exists between the way you understand (or don’t understand) your spouse and your spiritual intimacy.”

For men, Peter makes the distinction that if we fail to do so, our “prayers may be hindered.” 

“The implication is that you cannot separate your relationship with God from your relationship with your spouse.”

So like anything in life, the only way to understand anything is to study it right?  Here is a great question to ask your spouse periodically…How am I doing showing you love or respect?  And then listen and learn from what they say.

I like what they said in the lesson that understanding and studying your spouse…

“is a lifelong process…it requires time and attention.  It requires intentional effort such as regularly dating one another, purposefully pursuing one another and taking time to communicate with one another.”

Here is a great prayer to pray to God:

Show me one way to love and respect my spouse.  Let me see my spouse through your eyes.

I will close with this great advice from James McDonald who suggested these 4 things to improve your marriage:

“Nothing will transform your marriage like spending time on your marriage.”

• 15 minutes a day(just talking to your spouse) – Guys don’t pull out a stop watch to time it!
• 1evening per week (spend time together)
• 1 day per month(really devoted to your marriage)
• 1 weekend per year (To a conference or something to really improve your marriage)

“The opportunity we have to live with our spouses in an understanding way is one of the greatest challenges and privileges we experience in marriage.”

 

If you would like to read the next installment to the re|engage class, click here…★ Re|Engage – Emotional Intimacy ★

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here… 

https://dailydependence.wordpress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

★ Re|Engage – Expectations ★

So how are you enjoying the series from the re|engage class?  I know they have been strung out over time but if you have missed any you can read previous posts on lessons… DailyDependence.WordPress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

My hope is that as you read these that you will start to apply the principles that you are learning about.  The goal is to get better at extending grace and forgiveness…to try to communicate more so that conflict is stopped before it escalates?  It is important to put into practice what we learn.  Knowledge without application is pointless.

In the Communication lesson I mentioned that the first 8 lessons are all about explaining the gospel and how it relates to marriages, the second half is all about the practical response to the Gospel.

And that is the point; each additional lesson will give you another tool in your toolbox to improve your marriage.  2 Timothy 4:7 (NIV) says,

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

Consider this your battle cry to fight for your marriage!

The reading focused on this Principle:  Adore and Respect.

The main idea of Lesson 11 was:

You have many expectations about your spouse and your marriage that, if unmet and handled incorrectly, will lead to disappointment and anger. You need to be able to articulate and deal with unmet expectations and realize that God is your only true hope.

Unmet expectations are one of the major causes for conflict in a marriage.  They can really damage a marriage if we are not careful.  Ephesians 6:12 (NLT) says,

For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

As we delve into the topic of “Expectations,” a good thing to remember in marriage is to…ALWAYS test the voice in your head.  As your expectations of your spouse are not met think through what is going on.

For instance, when your husband forgets to take out the trash, Satan will whisper, “He is so lazy. He’ll never change.”  You will start dwelling on that characteristic.

However, if you ask yourself the question about who would be whispering that to you, you’ll realize that your Heavenly Father would NOT be telling you how lazy your husband is.

God’s voice would be saying, “I love this guy, and I sent my son to die for him. Treat him as I would.”

The same obviously applies to woman as well, but I will just pick on the men!

Ultimately we need to change the way we approach situations because if we continue to expect the same thing without changing anything, we will continue in the crazy cycle.

You’ve heard it said, “Insanity: Doing the Same thing over and over and expecting different results.”  Albert Einstein

The book had this great definition of what expectations are, and if we can grasp this, we can get out of the insanity cycle.

“Expectations are attitudes and thoughts regarding the way things could be or should be, and you have expectations for every area of your life.”

Right before I was married by my wife’s uncle, he said something which has stuck with us for our entire marriage,

“The things that attract you to your spouse have a flip side.  Over time the very thing that you loved can cause conflict.”

For instance:

• You could be attracted to someone who is very dependable and that you can count on, the flip side of that is that person may be boring.
• You could be attracted to someone who is very good at managing money, the flip side of that is that person may be very cheap and never wants to go out anywhere.
• You could be attracted to someone who is very healthy and works out all the time, the flip side of that is that person may be at the gym all the time, leaving the other person home alone often.

This piece of advice really helped us to keep an eye on our expectations and understand the reality of this “flip side.”  So for a bonus action item, think about what attracted your spouse and then think about whether the “flip side” is causing conflict or hurt right now.  Then discuss it together.

“You joy is your job…I own my emotions, emotions don’t own me.”  Steven Furtick

I think everyone will agree that expectations can be a very dangerous thing, especially when they are not met.  I love this quote,

“In marriage, your spouse often doesn’t have the same expectations or isn’t aware of yours, which can create tension in a relationship.”

Amen?  I think the book nailed it when they said that,

“Generally, your expectations are not right or wrong; however, the way you deal with unmet expectations can have a lot to do with whether you experience oneness in your marriage.”

Most people have an idealized view of marriage that it will be the perfect fulfillment of all their dreams…that the woman will be swept off her feet by her knight in shining armor and the two will live happily ever after.

Months and months are spent planning a wedding, working on all the intricate details, but what is usually left out of the equation is what happens when the Honeymoon’s over (literally).

• How will we raise the kids, will someone stay home?
• Who will manage the checkbook/finances?
• How will we handle conflict? Etc.

When you think about this, it is absolutely insane, planning for months for one day but giving little thought for the future.  We have all done it, whether consciously or unconsciously, we all came into marriage with expectations.  The lesson made this point,    

“Expectations are powerful. When they are unmet, they lead to disappointment, frustration and often anger.” 

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV) says,

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.”

That is so true!!  What else is true is the point that,

“When you’re disappointed or frustrated, you may stop giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt.”

“When you are angry, small disagreements can escalate, and you can begin to believe the worst about your spouse. You may begin to think that they are doing (or not doing) things out of spite.”

Like not taking out the garbage, this is an easy shot since I miss that mid-week pick up all the time!

“Unmet expectations lead to negative emotions, and these negative emotions are the soil from which bitterness and anger grow.”

In the book, they talked about “How to Handle Expectations.”

1. Identify Your Expectations.

“Most of the time, you don’t realize the source of your expectations. Your expectations about life and marriage or formed from a variety of sources like family, friends, church, books, movies and television.”

Ask yourself, “Where does this expectation come from?” And “Is this expectation reasonable?”

2. Communicate Beforehand.

“Remember, expectations are clear in your mind, but need to be communicated so that they will be clear in your spouse’s mind.”

Your spouse is not a mind reader.

3. Believe the best.

“If your expectations are met, don’t let it negatively affect how you view your spouse and marriage. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt, and be gracious and kind.”

“Relate to them the way you hope they will relate to you the next time you don’t meet their expectations.”  Remember “The Golden Rule”

4. Communicate with God.

“Because your spouse is human, they will disappoint you and let you down. God is the only one who does not disappoint. When your hopes are placed on Him, you will not be disappointed or let down.”

Which one of these do you struggle with?  My favorite quote from the lesson is the “The Great Irony”…

“Just as your spouse is a source of unmet expectations, remember that you are the source of unmet expectations for them. This levels the playing field and reminds you that you need to be gracious and forgiving.”

“The temptation is to focus on the fact that your spouse did not meet your expectations and blame them for your reaction.”

The book reiterates this over and over, the key is to draw the circle around you and work on changing everyone inside that circle.  You cannot change your spouse; Only God can…so we need to stop trying!!

“Regardless of the circumstances, you are responsible for the way you handle your negative emotions. Therefore, the proper response is not to focus on what your spouse did or did not do, but rather how you can best honor God in the midst of your unmet expectations.”

If you would like to read the next installment in the re|engage class, click here…★ Re|Engage – Understand ★

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…

DailyDependence.WordPress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

★ Re|Engage – Conflict ★

To follow along with the Principle:  Give Yourself Away, Lesson 9 was about Conflict with this main idea:

Conflict in marriage is normal and a great opportunity to glorify God, grow yourself and grow your spouse. Handling conflict biblically is a great path to oneness with your spouse.

What do you think of that?  I don’t think that many people view conflict in that manner…inside conflict avoidance is the norm!  But in this lesson, they made this point.

“No matter how good your marriage is, you will have conflict. It’s normal, inevitable and should be expected.”

 One could look at this as a pessimistic view, but it’s a realistic view.  Stephen Furtick made this point, he said,

“There is no perfect marriage, but you can have a blessed marriage!” 

I thought that it was really interesting in the reading when it said that,

“Conflict isn’t necessary bad or destructive; it can actually be a great opportunity to move toward oneness.”

But that really isn’t what our normal reaction to conflict is right?  But it is a very normal way to react to something that we don’t want to deal with.

“Even though conflict causes a great deal of tension in your marriage, God can use it to grow your relationship with Him and your spouse.”

We should not try to avoid conflict but rather learn “how to deal with conflict and seeing it as an opportunity to grow yourself, your marriage and your spouse, and to glorify God.”

I read this quote Ken Sande that I thought was great!

“Overlook an Offense—Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly overlooking an offense. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11 NIV1984). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.”  From “The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict,”

The lesson gave (5) practical ways of how to deal with the conflict:

1. Start With Yourself                              
2. Overlook Minor Offenses
3. Address The Issue
4. Get Help If Needed
5. View Conflict Correctly

As you read what the details of this area, prayerfully consider which one(s) of these to you struggle with?

START WITH YOURSELF – The running theme of draw the circle around yourself continues…

“Part of conflict resolution is recognizing and admitting what you contribute to the conflict.”

Jesus said in Matthew 7:5 (ESV)

“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

OVERLOOK MINOR OFFENSES

“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”   Proverbs 19:11 (ESV)

Easier said than done sometimes, but I like what they said in the reading that,

As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer “no” to all of the following questions:

• Is the offense dishonoring to God?
• Has permanently damage a relationship?
• Is it hurting other people?
• Is it hurting the offender himself?

If the answer is “yes” to any of the questions then address the issue, otherwise it would be better to extend grace to your spouse and let the issue go.

ADDRESS THE ISSUE

I like how they started off by making the point that we need to identify our own part to the conflict and then once you’ve asked for forgiveness for what we’ve caused then we can address the issue.

“Humility can be contagious and your spouse may respond similarly.”

When addressing the issue, we need to be honest, and at the same time kind.  Many people like to sweep things under the rug because they fear that talking about things will only make it worse, but the book nailed it with,

“Ignoring conflict often only makes matters worse and the issue will likely resurface again later.”

You can only sweep so much under the rug before it becomes a tripping hazard.

GET HELP IF NEEDED

“Conflict usually isn’t resolved through one conversation. Sometimes it will be resolved through a process of continuing to pray and communicate, and committing to not avoid the issue.”

And if the issue can’t be resolved is a good idea to, it is good to get the help of others from your church…or you could look into where a re|engage class is offered.

“The goal is not to present a case against your spouse or convince others you are right; rather, the goal is to ensure that you and your spouse understand one another and are reconciled.”

Conflict is a problem with the heart. We need to study our spouses and empathize with what they are going through.

VIEW CONFLICT CORRECTLY

“The question isn’t if you are going to have conflict, but rather how you are going to view and handle the conflict you have.

“Healthy couples see conflict as an opportunity to deal with issues that are moving them away from oneness. They keep short accounts and don’t allow conflict to go unaddressed.”

I heard a message from Steven Furtick that goes along perfectly with this,

“In order to guard your heart, you have to own your emotions.” 

“Since when was your happiness on someone else’s job description?”

Ephesians 4:2-3 (ESV). In what ways will you put this person to practice this week?

“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” 

Matthew 7:5 (ESV).

“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

What are some logs you need to take out of your own eye?  John McGee gave this perfect advice:

“Most conflict in marriages will disappear if two selfless people try really hard to understand each other.” 

Proverbs 19:11 (NIV1984)

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

 

If you would like to read the next installment in the re|engage class, click here…★ Re|Engage – Expectations ★ 

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…

https://dailydependence.wordpress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

★ Thought for the Day – Marriage & Money – Part 1 ★

When you made the decision to marry your spouse, what were your expectations about how the family finances were going to be handled?  Did you even have any?  Marriage and money go hand in hand.  When there is unity in handling money God’s way, it helps lead to unity in your marriage as well.  Whether you are a newlywed or married for 50 years, it is critical to learn what the Bible says about handling money God’s way and the importance of this in our marriages.

I am a firm believer that “the burnt hand teaches best.” Experience, especially the mistakes are the best teachers and my wife and I certainly have experienced our fair share in our relationship.  So over the next 3 posts we will delve into “Marriage & Money” and how the two relate to one another in our relationships.  My purpose is to share what God has placed on my heart and use bits and pieces of what we have learned to help you to avoid making the same mistakes in your Marriage and Finances.

What were your expectations about how the finances would be handled in your home??

• Were you determined to be the one in control?
• Or did you just bury your head in the sand?
• Or did you even have any?

People’s views of money vary considerably from those who are “Spenders” to those who are “Savers”.  When you factor that in, along with all the differences between men and women, a mathematical explosion of possibilities for conflicts can result without even realizing it.  Most people have an idealized view of marriage which starts early on in childhood that has been so ingrained into our subconscious.  The picture has been painted in our minds of the woman as a princess and that one day her knight in shining armor will come.  Through the years Disney has contributed many different movie installments with this one central theme that ultimately ends with the tag line “and they lived happily ever after….”  When you think of the constant bombardment of unrealistic fantasies, it is no wonder that the wedding day is the quintessential moment that every little girl dreams of.  Months and months are spent planning a wedding, working on the invitations, searching for the dress, the rings, the music, the flowers, and working on all the intricate details.  But what is usually left out of the equation is what happens when the Honeymoon’s over (literally).  When you think about this, it is absolutely insane, planning for months for one day but giving little thought for the future.  Now I must confess, when we got married we were no different.  The simple truth is that when a man and woman decide to “tie the knot” they typically never talk about how the finances will be handled and when that happens it will not take long for money fights and arguments to begin.

• In a radio interview, Crown Financial Ministries CEO, Chuck Bentley stated that: “40% of people are living beyond their means.”
• “The wall street Journal reported that “70% of Americans are living paycheck to paycheck, one step away from bankruptcy!” and
• According to a Markmen & Stanley Study, “The #1 cause of divorce in America is financial disagreements”

So the question is, if…

• 4 out of 10 people are living beyond their means and
• 7 out of 10 Americans are living paycheck to paycheck and the
• #1 cause of divorce is financial disagreements or money fights…

How do we get to a place of unity in both our marriage and our finances?  Many people do not realize that Marriage and Money go hand in hand.  When you have unity together in how you handle your finances, you will have unity in your marriage.

Over these posts, we will be covering these 5 areas in regards to Marriage & Money:

• God’s plan for Marriage
• The differences between Men and Women
• God’s plan for our Finances
• The differences in people’s views of money
• How the enemy uses all these differences to attack marriages

Now it will not necessary be in this order as I will not be so linear but we will weave and blend together these 5 major points.

God’s Plan for Marriage

So without further ado, let’s start from the beginning, in the first book of the bible, in Genesis chapter 2, after the Heavens and the Earth, and everything else was made, God formed Man out of dirt from the ground.  He planted a garden in Eden and placed the Man to work the ground and keep it in order.  But God saw the man and He said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him,” (Genesis 2:18) and so God created the Woman to share life with the Man.  Verse 24 says:

• “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”  Genesis 2:24 (NIV1984)   

THAT IS IT…that was God’s plan for Marriage.  For the Man and Woman to live in paradise united together who would have fellowship with Him.  What a simple and wonderful plan but the very next chapter of Genesis recounts how that perfect plan was ruined when the Serpent (AKA Satan) deceived the Woman to eat the forbidden fruit of the “Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil”.  God had told Adam not to eat of the fruit or else he would die, so the serpent spoke to the Woman instead since she had not been created at that time.  In chapter 3, verse 6 it says:

I remember so clearly when I was at a bible study and heard a teaching on this verse and those underlined words just popped off the page…”Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her.”  I always thought that she was alone and that explained how it happened but the whole time that Satan and the Woman were having this discussion, Adam, “The Man” was standing right there and did nothing to protect his wife or stop what he knew was wrong and to make it worse he ate the fruit too!  And here is the key, don’t miss this, if we don’t work as a team, in unity we will fail in our marriages and our finances.  Though the timing in Genesis is unclear, the original plan for Marriage was created in Chapter 2 and destroyed by Chapter 3 as the Man and Woman fell into sin of Pride from the Serpent’s deception.  We need to understand that Satan is working in the background creating problems in our marriage, problems in our finances, and problems in our life.  Ephesians 6:12 (NIV1984) says,

• “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”  

We will delve into this throughout these series of posts but I do want to say one thing before we go any further, that the enemy of our soul is not behind every problem, there are many times that we create our own trouble by not trusting God and not following His principles.  Or not loving and respecting our spouse as we ought to or by making foolish financial decisions because of “wants” instead of be wise in making purchases of “needs” only.  Someone once said “God promised to meet our needs, not our greeds.”

But Ephesians is clear, there is a battle raging on that we need to be aware of.  Though it is not confirmed, Julius Caesar is credited with the concept of “Divide & Conquer” which is one of the greatest strategies in battle.  And that is exactly what Satan does as he attacks us in our marriages and finances by deceiving one of the spouses to doubt, to fear, to be distracted or to focus on the wrong things.  We are at war and if you do not know that then take a look at what it says just 9 verses later in Genesis, as God reprimanded the serpent, He cursed the serpent and said because you have done this,

Enmity is also translated as hostility but I love how The Message translation states it:

• “I’m declaring war between you and the Woman”  Genesis 3:15 (MSG)

There it is, proof that we are in a battle against a real enemy, not a cartoon character with horns and a pitchfork.  Satan has many descriptions and names in the bible, he is called:

Enough said??  Just like this list, Satan’s reign will come to an end.  Now I am spending extra time here, not to create fear but to underscore the importance of not idly going through life oblivious to Satan and his schemes.  The reality is that as a believer in Jesus, we already have the victory through Jesus’ death and resurrection, as it says in 1 John 4:4 (NASB):

• “You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He [Jesus] who is in you than he [Satan] who is in the world.”

I love how Pastor Jack Graham once said it, that “Satan is a defeated foe.” 

That is of course, when you have Jesus in you, you have the power to overcome the enemy.  There is power and victory through Jesus.  We can overcome the enemy’s attacks by calling on Jesus’ name not only for our marriages but finances too!   Jesus has a list of his own which is called The “I Am’s” of Christ:

Now I much prefer to mediate on this list for sure as there is power and victory through Jesus.

In the book of Matthew it recounts the story when some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?”  And Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24 in chapter 19 verse 5 and then continues the thought in Verse 6 of Matthew:

• “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together let no man separate.” Matthew 19:6 (NASB)

I love how Jesus answers their question so clearly and succinctly.  He has a great way of flipping things.  If a husband and wife are no longer two but one flesh then the answer is clear.  God’s intention for marriage was to be shared between one man and one woman forever…what God has joined together let no man separate.  But as we have been discussing, the enemy has other plans to strain and tear apart the unity of marriage.  Malachi 2:16 (MSG) says,

• “I hate divorce,” says the God of Israel…”I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage.  So watch yourselves.  Don’t let your guard down.  Don’t cheat.” 

This verse is such a powerful statement from God which many people have misunderstood because they read that God hates divorce and make the jump that God hates them because of the divorce but that is a LIE OF THE ENEMY.  Look at it again, God said “I hate divorce,” NOT the “DIVORCEE.”  Divorce is real; many of you reading this post may have experienced one in your life whether it was your parents or yourself.  I know firsthand what that “dismembering” felt like, having experienced this at the age of 5 when my parents divorced.  That description is right on, it was a violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’.  I have always related my parents divorce like a chess match where I was a pawn pinned between the King and Queen who were battling one another, using me to hurt the other.  Now I don’t mention this to condemn anyone but to show what God intended for marriage and what He thinks of Divorce.

In November of 2010, Time Magazine published a startling issue, entitled “Who Needs Marriage”.  Within the pages, findings from the nationwide survey of 2,691 Americans by the Pew Research Center were presented.  The survey was conducted with TIME magazine, and an analysis of the U.S. Census Bureau data.  They dug into the question…“Is Marriage Obsolete?”  Over the past 50 years there has been a sharp decline in marriage and a rise of new family forms of people never getting married (but still having children) and people getting divorced or separated.  In 1960, 72% of American adults were married.  By 2008, that share had fallen to an all-time low of 52%.  The Pew Research survey found that nearly 4 in 10 Americans think marriage is becoming obsolete.  It is sad to think that this survey is now 5 years old, so I can only imagine where that number is now.  It is clear that the value of marriage has been greatly diminished and who do you think is behind that movement?  Satan of course!!

In 2009, Chuck Colson, Robert George, and Timothy George, with input from over 100 Christian leaders, authored the Manhattan Declaration stating a commitment to the principles of Human life, marriage, and religious freedom.  Here is an excerpt:

“Marriage is the original and most important institution for sustaining the health, education, and welfare of all.”  That is a powerful statement and I think we can all agree that the second part has plagued our world that ““Where marriage erodes, social pathologies rise,” (or deviation giving rise to social ills.)  

Part 2 of the “Marriage & Money” trilogy will delve into the Differences between Men and Women and what is the answer to bring unity in our Marriage.  Click here…★ Thought for the Day – Marriage & Money – Part 2 ★ to read the next installment.

 

★ Re|Engage – Communication ★

The reading for the next two sections focused on this Principle:  Give Yourself Away.  Not something that many of us willingly want to do.  This is the midpoint of the class where things change.  The first 8 lessons were all about explaining the gospel and how it relates to marriages, the next 8 lessons are all about the practical response to the Gospel.

Lesson 9 was about Communication with this main:

“The goal of communication is mutual understanding. You have negative communication patterns that you need to identify and change.”

The goal is “Mutual Understanding.”  To understand someone else you need to actually listen to them right?  If your spouse was asked, if you were a good listener, what do you think they would they say?  Do you think you are a Good Listener?

Stephen Covey made a profound statement about this, he said:

“Most People do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” 

If we want to improve our marriage, good communication is key!  To achieve that, we need to be a good listener to understanding where the other person is coming from.  From the reading, they said,

“The goal of communication is not to get your point across, show that you are right or to win an argument. The goal of communication is mutual understanding.”

It is the difference between arguing versus understanding.  When we are communicating with our spouse, there are many things that can cause conflict and misunderstandings.

One of the most commonly cited studies on communication is from the 1970s.  Professor Albert Mehrabian studied the relative importance of verbal and nonverbal messages in personal communication.  The study concluded that the:

The non-verbal elements are particularly important for communicating feelings and attitude, especially when they do not align.  He concluded that, if words and body language disagree, the body language will be believed over whatever is spoken.

Another area that can cause misunderstandings are the “non-present” forms of communication.

• In this world of emails and texting, not being in-person to read the body language, we can easily “misread” the intentions of the other person.
• This used to be true with just phone calls upon this new mode of communication takes it to a whole other level, where things can be misinterpreted and misunderstood.
• You can read into things that really aren’t there.

James 1:19b is a famous quote about communication:

This by far is the best advice anyone could heed.  Verse 20 gives us the justification on the why.

“for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”

If we want to be more like Jesus, then we need to follow the advice, and understand that when our communication pattern is not in alignment, we are dishonoring God as verse 20 shows us.

The lesson focused on four common ways that couples communicate poorly.

Negative Communication Patterns. 

1.  WITHDRAW AND AVOID.

“Withdrawal is an unwillingness to get into or stick with important discussions.”

It could just be that you leave the room in the middle of a conversation or shutting down emotionally.

“Avoidance is choosing to not address tough issues or have conversations that could be difficult.”

Or just sweeping it under the rug.

A better way:  Need to stick with conversations when they happen. If your spouse is the one that withdraws, the lesson had a very practical question to ask…

“What is it about me that makes it hard for you to communicate with me?

2.  ESCALATE.

“Escalation occurs when you respond negatively toward your spouse in the conversation continues to get more and more hostile.”

One thing that was interesting to me was that, escalation isn’t just yelling at each other but it’s also the subtle things like sarcasm, name-calling, threats and other forms of attack as well.

A better way:  “The best thing that you can do is take a timeout before things get out of hand and then decide what time you’re reconvene.”

“The goal of the timeout is to keep yourself from damaging the relationship and take time to gather yourself so you can come back in a better frame of mind, ready to talk about the issue.”

3.  NEGATIVELY INTERPRET.

“Negative interpretation happens when you assign a motive to your spouse that is more negative than is really the case.”

“Often times this is caused when there is some insecurity or if veiled comments were common in the family growing up.”

A better way: “You combat negative interpretation by believing the best about your spouse.”

I heard somewhere that “90% of all friction is caused by the wrong tone of voice.”

4.  Invalidate.

“Invalidation occurs when you directly or indirectly dismiss, minimize or put down the thoughts, feelings or character of your spouse.”

A better way:  “Remember that the goal of communication is to understand rather than being right.”

Proverbs 14:29 (NLT) says,

“People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.”

In Charles Stanley’s Life Principles Bible, he had this Life Lesson on this verse,

“It may feel good for a short while to vent out fury at someone but “the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” (James 1:20)  Responding to bitterness with more bitterness leads only to a combative and even more explosive situation.”

What do you think about that quote?  Do you believe that responding to bitterness with more bitterness will lead to a more explosive situation?  What has been your experience?

The book made this great point….

“The way you communicate with your spouse will have a big impact on the quality of your marriage.”

Romans 12:18 (ESV)

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

Boy that is so hard to do sometimes but heeding this will pay dividends!!  The takeaway from Romans 12:18 is that

“Communication is an opportunity to honor God and do everything you can to “live peaceably” with your spouse.”

Again, “The goal ultimately is mutual understanding.”

Guard your tongue and your tone.

“Faith is like a muscle, the more you use it, the stronger it becomes.  The same is true for developing Positive Communication Patterns; the more you practice it, the stronger your marriage will be.”

If you would like to read more on guarding your tongue, check out this previous post called ★ Thought for the Day –  Our Tongues Should Point People to Jesus ★.

If you would like to read the next installment in the re|engage class, click here . . . ★ Re|Engage – Conflict ★ 

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…

https://dailydependence.wordpress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

★ Re|Engage – Truth ★

Lesson 8 deals with Truth and the main idea was:

“You are tempted every day to believe the lies all around you regarding your marriage. You need to identify the lies you’re choosing to believe and replace those lies with biblical truth.”

If you don’t know by now, there are many times that we believe lies about our spouses intentions or actions.  But we need to understand that our enemy, the Devil is always screaming in our minds with what sounds like our own voice lies about our spouse.  This lesson deals very practically about this.

Gary Thomas said,

 “What if God intended marriage to make us holy more than happy?” 

Don’t see that on a Hallmark card do you?

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (ESV)

We need to allow God to change the way we think. Old ways of thinking won’t change our marriage.  Nothing changes if nothing changes.  Let God transform your “old ways.”

In the book, they asked listed the common lies that we tend to believe about our spouse but then what the truth really is…

Lie:         I should feel “in love” at all times

Truth:   

“Love is described by actions rather than emotions…
Oftentimes it is actually the loving actions that will bring about loving feelings.”

Lie:         My marital issues and problems are different or unique.

Truth:   

“There are no new or unique problems in marriage.
1 Corinthians 10:13 says, No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man.” 

Lie:         I married the wrong person and my “soul mate” is still out there?

Truth:   

“You made a commitment to your spouse and God has joined you together.
Remember Mark 10:7-9.”

Lie:         My Marriage shouldn’t be this hard.

Truth:   

“When two sinners marry, there will always be difficulties.” 

1 Corinthians 7:28 says:

“But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.”

Not the most positive spin on marriage but it makes the point.

Lie:         My Marriage and spouse are supposed to make me happy.

Truth:  

“Real joy comes from God. If you look to your spouse and your marriage
to meet needs that were intended for God alone to meet, it will be exhausting for your spouse, and disappointing and frustrating for you.”

Lie:         I can never have a great marriage because there has been so much damage.

Truth:   

“When you sin you may believe that God will withhold His Plan A for your
future and give you His Plan B instead.  While there still may be consequences for past actions, the good news is that God is for you, not against you, and wants you to experience the ideal of marriage.”

Psalm 103:10 (ESV) is a great reminder of this…

“He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities.” 

The book made this point that I love!

“The truth is your spouse is God’s provision for you, not God’s curse on you.”

As you prioritize and work on your marriage things will improve!  But we MUST push out the lies and focus in on what Philippians 4:8 says.

 

Scripture to Review:

• “Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Matthew 19:6 (NLT)  
• “Enjoy life with the wife whom you love, all the days of your vain life that he has given you under the sun, because that is your portion in life and in your toil at which you toil under the sun.”  Ecclesiastes 9:9 (ESV)
• “Those who despise flagrant sinners, and honor the faithful followers of the Lord, and keep their promises even when it hurts.”  Psalm 15:4 (NLT) 

If you would like to read the next installment to the re|engage class, click here . . . ★ Re|Engage – Communication ★

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…

https://dailydependence.wordpress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

★ Re|Engage – Commitment ★

The reading for the next two sections focused on this Principle:  Nurture truth.  “Nurture Truth?”  At first that seems to be an odd combination of words.  We know all about nurturing children, but what does it mean to Nurture Truth.

Mark Dietrich said,

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” 

When you think of the principle of nurturing truth and contrast it to this quote, it should open our eyes to a new way of viewing marriage.  Your love may have gotten you down the aisle, but marriage is the vehicle in which our love is nurtured.

Lesson 7 was about Commitment with this main idea:

“God’s covenant to love provides an example of the way you are going to love your spouse.  Marriage is a commitment not a contract.”

When you got married, you made a covenant with each other, not a contract.  God’s expectation is that this is permanent.  Unfortunately, our culture does not view it in such a way. In fact is quite the opposite. If you look around, it’s not too hard to see that marriage is really viewed as a temporary convenience that only lasts as long as the other person is meeting my needs, rather than a lifelong institution.  Love this from the lesson,

“Much of our life operates under the guidelines of contracts…Our ideas about contracts often carry over into our marriages, where we love and expect to be loved, sacrifice and expect sacrifice in return, and try to our spouse happy and expect them to do the same.”

Wow!!  That sure is a conviction about not letting the world’s influence corrupt what marriage was designed to be!  The book continues with this…

“The contractual view of love is the opposite of how God loves us and how we are supposed to love our spouse.”

“God’s irrevocable commitments to His people are called covenants.”

Marriage is an IRREVOCABLE COMMITMENT. 

When you look up the definition of irrevocable, it means “Incapable of being reversed, retracted or revoked.  So in other words God’s commitment to us is incapable of being reversed, retracted or revoked.

Real Love has no Plan ‘B’…So how would that look in your marriage if you took that same mindset?  Lesson 7 gave this advice…

 “Jesus made a new covenant with us by His death on the cross – not because we deserved it, but in spite of the fact that we were His enemies.”

Romans 5:10 says

“For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life?”

The book made this incredible parallel

 “Since God is a covenant-keeping God, He expects us to keep our covenant with our spouse.”

 “Covenants are serious, and when we keep them, we love the same way God does.”

So how could you apply Roman 5:10 and these two quotes in the way you look at your marriage?

For me, my marriage is an Unconditional Commitment!!  Divorce HAS NEVER been and NEVER WILL be an option. The promise I made to my wife and God 15 years ago is the best decision I made, second only to receiving Christ.

The key is to “Commit to your spouse the way God does.”  Here is what the book taught on what “Commitment In Action” looks like.

Commitment In Action.

1. “Commitment is often an internal decision. It’s not thinking about escape, or wondering or fantasizing about what it would be like to be married to someone else; instead, it is daily reminding yourself of God’s commitment to you and that your spouse is a gift from God.”

It is a decision or choice. Just like last week when we said that we have to choose to forgive our spouse, we have to choose to remain committed to our spouse to the vows we both said in the presence of God on our wedding day.

2. “Externally, commitment looks like never mentioning divorce.”

This is important because too often spouses threaten divorce as a weapon to beat the other into submission which is the complete opposite way that God has intended our covenant marriage to be like.

3. Commitment in action…”looks like not becoming close friends or flirting with anyone of the opposite sex or getting emotional needs met from someone other than your spouse.”

Need to establish boundaries and maintain them.  Don’t give the enemy a foothold in your marriage.

4. Commitment in action…”looks like continuing to reiterate to your spouse that you love them and plan to meet married to them until one of you dies.”

When I got married, I had wanted to change our marriage vows to replace the phrase “until death do us part,” to say “for all eternity.”

In the reading they talked about shutting the doors of escape in our marriage.

You could walk through the door of:

1. Divorce or separation.
2. Escape by staying busy with work, friends or activities that keep you from dealing with the issues in your marriage.
3. Giving up or just living as undivorced roommates.

Look at this and think about your marriage, do you have any doors open or still unlocked in your marriage to escape from?  What do you need to do to shut and lock them?

“Commitment looks like shutting and locking all the doors in the room; telling your spouse that you won’t leave, become apathetic or preoccupied; and working it out no matter what.”

Amen!!  This lesson is so incredible.  We all have a choice, we can live our marriage as a contract or a covenant.  They also made this profound statement,

“When you commit unconditionally, you will be amazed at how you can work through issues, deal with difficult seasons and move to new levels of intimacy.”

In the supplemental reading, it said that:

“The #1 most probable determiner for whether a couple makes it:  did you view your wedding vows as a commitment or a contract?”

What is your view?

Mark 10:7-9 (NLT) says.

“‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

And Malachi 2:16 (MSG) says,

““I hate divorce,” says the GOD of Israel. GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies says, “I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage.” So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat.”

This verse is such a powerful statement from God which many people have misunderstood because they read that God hates divorce and make the jump that God hates them because of the divorce but that is a LIE OF THE ENEMY.  Look at it again, God said “I hate divorce,” NOT the “DIVORCEE.”  Divorce is real; many of you reading this may have experienced divorce in your life, whether it was your parents or yourself.  And if you were asked the question if you liked going through the divorce or watching someone you love go through it, you would undeniably say “I hate divorce” and so did I.  From firsthand experience, I know what that “dismembering” felt like, having experienced this at the age of 5 when my parents divorced.  That description is right on, it was a violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’.

I have always related my parent’s divorce like a chess match where I was a pawn pinned between the King and Queen who were battling one another, using me to hurt the other.  Now I don’t mention this to condemn anyone but to show what God intended for marriage and what He thinks of Divorce.  If we want to stop from becoming part of the statistic of yet another marriage gone south, we need to view it as a covenantal commitment, not a contract! 

If you would like to read the next installment to the re|engage class, click here…★ Re|Engage – Truth ★

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…

https://dailydependence.wordpress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc