★ Re|Engage – Conflict ★

To follow along with the Principle:  Give Yourself Away, Lesson 9 was about Conflict with this main idea:

Conflict in marriage is normal and a great opportunity to glorify God, grow yourself and grow your spouse. Handling conflict biblically is a great path to oneness with your spouse.

What do you think of that?  I don’t think that many people view conflict in that manner…inside conflict avoidance is the norm!  But in this lesson, they made this point.

“No matter how good your marriage is, you will have conflict. It’s normal, inevitable and should be expected.”

 One could look at this as a pessimistic view, but it’s a realistic view.  Stephen Furtick made this point, he said,

“There is no perfect marriage, but you can have a blessed marriage!” 

I thought that it was really interesting in the reading when it said that,

“Conflict isn’t necessary bad or destructive; it can actually be a great opportunity to move toward oneness.”

But that really isn’t what our normal reaction to conflict is right?  But it is a very normal way to react to something that we don’t want to deal with.

“Even though conflict causes a great deal of tension in your marriage, God can use it to grow your relationship with Him and your spouse.”

We should not try to avoid conflict but rather learn “how to deal with conflict and seeing it as an opportunity to grow yourself, your marriage and your spouse, and to glorify God.”

I read this quote Ken Sande that I thought was great!

“Overlook an Offense—Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly overlooking an offense. “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11 NIV1984). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent-up bitterness or anger.”  From “The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict,”

The lesson gave (5) practical ways of how to deal with the conflict:

1. Start With Yourself                              
2. Overlook Minor Offenses
3. Address The Issue
4. Get Help If Needed
5. View Conflict Correctly

As you read what the details of this area, prayerfully consider which one(s) of these to you struggle with?

START WITH YOURSELF – The running theme of draw the circle around yourself continues…

“Part of conflict resolution is recognizing and admitting what you contribute to the conflict.”

Jesus said in Matthew 7:5 (ESV)

“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

OVERLOOK MINOR OFFENSES

“Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”   Proverbs 19:11 (ESV)

Easier said than done sometimes, but I like what they said in the reading that,

As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer “no” to all of the following questions:

• Is the offense dishonoring to God?
• Has permanently damage a relationship?
• Is it hurting other people?
• Is it hurting the offender himself?

If the answer is “yes” to any of the questions then address the issue, otherwise it would be better to extend grace to your spouse and let the issue go.

ADDRESS THE ISSUE

I like how they started off by making the point that we need to identify our own part to the conflict and then once you’ve asked for forgiveness for what we’ve caused then we can address the issue.

“Humility can be contagious and your spouse may respond similarly.”

When addressing the issue, we need to be honest, and at the same time kind.  Many people like to sweep things under the rug because they fear that talking about things will only make it worse, but the book nailed it with,

“Ignoring conflict often only makes matters worse and the issue will likely resurface again later.”

You can only sweep so much under the rug before it becomes a tripping hazard.

GET HELP IF NEEDED

“Conflict usually isn’t resolved through one conversation. Sometimes it will be resolved through a process of continuing to pray and communicate, and committing to not avoid the issue.”

And if the issue can’t be resolved is a good idea to, it is good to get the help of others from your church…or you could look into where a re|engage class is offered.

“The goal is not to present a case against your spouse or convince others you are right; rather, the goal is to ensure that you and your spouse understand one another and are reconciled.”

Conflict is a problem with the heart. We need to study our spouses and empathize with what they are going through.

VIEW CONFLICT CORRECTLY

“The question isn’t if you are going to have conflict, but rather how you are going to view and handle the conflict you have.

“Healthy couples see conflict as an opportunity to deal with issues that are moving them away from oneness. They keep short accounts and don’t allow conflict to go unaddressed.”

I heard a message from Steven Furtick that goes along perfectly with this,

“In order to guard your heart, you have to own your emotions.” 

“Since when was your happiness on someone else’s job description?”

Ephesians 4:2-3 (ESV). In what ways will you put this person to practice this week?

“With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” 

Matthew 7:5 (ESV).

“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

What are some logs you need to take out of your own eye?  John McGee gave this perfect advice:

“Most conflict in marriages will disappear if two selfless people try really hard to understand each other.” 

Proverbs 19:11 (NIV1984)

“A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.”

 

If you would like to read the next installment in the re|engage class, click here…★ Re|Engage – Expectations ★ 

If you want to read previous re|engage lessons click here…

https://dailydependence.wordpress.com/category/reengage-class/?order=asc

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